Filly's Frolic #23

Sometimes, things get in the way of me completing things in a timely manner after I start them. So it was with changing my name. Ending up in hospital and seeing a myriad of different doctors meant that I hadn't changed my name on anything related to healthcare. Doing a name change in the middle of that was bound to confuse somebody as I trekked between different departments and came back several times for follow up visits. 


As the saying goes, it's better late than never and so I was queuing up at a local government healthcare branch to claim some payments for medical services under my old name before proceeding with a change of name with them. I presented my receipts to the lady as well as my card. She began circling relevant information with a pencil in a way that they seemed to be trained to do it.


She paused before entering any information into her computer and asked, "Who are these claims for?"
"That's me", I replied chirpily. I knew of course, that several of the receipts had a dreaded "Mr" as the title before my former name and I was wondering how she was going to deal with this.
"Oh", she said a little surprised. "It's just that these have a male name and you look like... "
Her voice trailed off. 
Silence.
I wouldn't really say it was an awkward silence since I was somewhat amused although she might have felt a little awkward. I unfolded my change of name certificate and pushed it across the counter and broke the silence.
"I have to do a change of name today as well."
"I'll enter these in first and then we can do the change of name", she replied flicking herself back into work mode. Good recovery!


I don't know if I was grinning more than usual, but I thought it was funny... 

They're baaaccck....

I had the strangest dream last night, or was it a nightmare? We were at some sort of school camp or excursion which, in hindsight, is never a good setting for a dream because anything that involves school always turns into a nightmare for me. I was relieving myself in the toilet that was, for some reason, directly connected to the main recreational room and the door was wide open. How I ended up in this position I do not know, but it certainly felt very weird now and the door was too far away for me to reach and close. Luckily, nobody seemed to be paying any attention and I could see and hear them merrily chatting and laughing in their own conversations.

After finishing my business, I began to clean myself up. Something felt odd. I stood up slightly and looked down and froze momentarily with shock. 

What the hell is that doing there?!?!?!

I sat back down quickly, hoping that nobody else had notice the male genitalia between my legs. That was supposed to be gone! I was sure the doctor had removed it. They don't grow back do they? Waves of confusion and troughs of anxious, depressed embarrassment crashed through my head. 

I quickly finished cleaning myself and tucking that thing between my legs, I swiftly pulled my pants up hoping that nobody would see anything. After washing my hands, I ran to my bed and dived underneath the covers. God! I had prayed so much in the past to turn me into a girl and you're turning me back into a boy?? Why?!

I cried in anguish, eventually falling to sleep.

I stirred and struggled to raise my weary head. Thank god it was just a dream.... 

Filly's Frolic #22

Drops of rain splattered my windscreen, slowly covering it with small round specks that sat in existence for a few moments before my wipers brushed them aside. Street lights lit up this almost deserted road on this otherwise dark night and most people were at home, which is where I was headed. Pulling up to a red light, I saw a small car stopped with a P plate in the rear window and the silhouette of two guys in the back seat. As I draw to a stop beside it, I see that it's full of four young men in their way home. I'm what might be called a shy driver and I tend not to look at people in other car's when I'm stopped at traffic lights in case they look back or yell out at me. It embarrasses me for some reason when they do and I never know how to react and just end up either looking away embarrassed or staring back with a blank stare like a deer stuck in their headlights.


So, I did what I always do and stared straight ahead and I hoped they would just ignore me. Shreds of that song by My Chemical Romance began to run through my head..
"They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone but not me"
But not me... I could feel them, they were looking at me, I was sure but I kept looking straight ahead. I accelerated away as soon as the lights turned green. I'm never a slow poke at the lights and this was no exception as I accelerated away at a brisk but not overly aggressive pace. Although I pulled away from that car at first, I soon hit the speed limit and maintained a constant pace as they caught up. I expected them to zoom past but to my horror they matched my pace as they pulled up alongside me. I really hoped they weren't going to engage in abusive behaviour and I kept looking straight ahead.


Their car zoomed ahead half a length and then slowed down and fell back half a length. I heard it's engine rev as they did it again; they were obviously trying to get my attention. For some reason, I began to smile. I'm not sure why those previous fearful feelings began to melt away but they did and I smiled. Little dots of rain stuck to my side window stubbornly and I wondered if they could see me grinning in this dim light. Another intersection was ahead and the lights were red, I would have to stop with them beside me.


I rolled to a stop and I saw they they had moved another lane across and were going to turn right, so they would soon stop being a bother. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the boys in that car smiling and waving wildly at me. I turned and looked at them, smiling back a little shyly. The boy in the front passenger seat waved again and I raised my hand and gave a shy finger wave in return. It was enough for him and he gave a celebratory fist pump and I could see him saying "Yes!" as the lights turned green and they turned off to go wherever they were going. 


I think I made his night and strangely, he kinda made mine and I couldn't stop smiling as I drove the rest of the way home.

Yesterday

Yesterday was the anniversary of when my ex and I first started going out. Strangely, I didn't actually realise that until today and I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. In some ways it was fortunate since by the end of last night I was already in bad shape and knowledge of another once happy day passing by would have compounded my already despondent mood.

After finishing some reading last night for a university unit that I'm doing over summer, which interestingly included two pages on gender identity, memories began to flood back about my house. Due to the fallout from our financial settlement, my house is currently on the market and I am no longer living there. Yet, memories still remain. Every room in that house has a story to tell of happiness and sadness, promises made and dreams and potential unfulfilled. Tears streamed down my face and I sobbed quietly into my pillow, dark spots spreading across it's surface just like my grief spreading through my body. 

Curling up underneath my blanket, I hugged myself to sleep.

These times of despair are happening less frequently now and, for that, I am thankful. For now, though, they still do remain.

Blast From the Past 2

After shredding all my old mobile phone bills that traced my history across three different phone numbers and just as many carriers that included moves from personal plans to business plans, I turned my attention to the next folder of paper. It was my stack of electricity bills. Electricity bills don't normally garner much interest but this included my first ever electricity bill, dated 24 July 2001, from when I bought my first house. My first bill was for $127.69 and I had used an average of 5.8kw per day or cost $1.19. I had signed up to Pulse, which was run by United Energy. A year later the industry was deregulated so that retailers and wholesalers were separated and Pulse turned into AGL. 


Looking at the name on the bill, I remembered that they kept spelling my name wrong during that first year despite numerous phone calls to correct them. 


This sort of history probably isn't really interesting to anyone except for the people involved; me. It was fun to stroll down another of memory's lanes before these documents hit the shredder.

Blast From the Past

There was I time when I was fastidious with record keeping. I've dropped off in recent times although not for lack of want. With that fastidiousness comes a mountain of records that piles up over the years. Being overly sentimental, I've come to attach emotions to them too. Not to the piles of paper, but to what they represent; times in my life that were historically significant to me.


At times, I've valued myself a bit too highly and have wondered if these records would be one day worth some money. However, since I'm not famous or of historical significance on even a local scale, I have come to realise that these records probably aren't even worth the paper they are printed on. Their only worth is to me and since I don't have the resources to carry around a mountain of paper it's time for them to go into the shredder. 


Curiosity overcame me as I fingered through statements from my first mobile phone contract back in 1998. It was with Hutchinson telecom and later became Orange late in 1999. They are now trading under the '3' brand but I left them long before that. I was on a $40 plan that had an access cost of $20 and had $20 of "included" calls which was more like $20 worth of call that had to be made and it appears that I exceeded it by a considerable margin on several accounts. Looking at the top of each statement, I remembered that my phone number was different back then and I racked my brain to try and remember how I got the number I have now. My question was answered not long after as I saw in one of the statements several phone calls I had made to what is now my present number. 


It was to Gosford and was made at a time when my Mum had gone up to stay with my sister for a while. My number was originally my Mum's number and at some point she had given it to me and had gotten herself a new phone number. 


Also on that statement was another number I instantly recognised. It was to my ex's number since we were going out at that point in time. Hutchinson was using the Optus network then and Optus had the 20-minute 'yes' time after 8pm and so after dinner at around 8:30pm we would often take a turn at calling each other for 20-minutes so that we could have a 40-minute conversation for free. That was on top of numerous SMS's and short two-minute calls during the day to say "Hi" and "I love you" of course... 


I have trouble getting rid of these sorts of things even though I don't look at them a lot of the time. Perhaps it's a fear of losing those memories of those parts of my life. Now that I've written about it, I feel a little more comforted that the memory will not be lost even if these records are now being destroyed.

Moving House

Since my day in court, I've been spending every day packing up my house and getting it ready for it's inevitable sale. It has been a difficult couple of weeks although I've been managing to cope a little better as each day passes, although I'm not sure how I will be when it finally is sold. My first day back to pack, I could feel sadness as I approached the front door with trepidation. Unlocking the door slowly, I turned off the alarm and quietly whispered, "Hello house." It was too much and that was all I could manage before I broke down in tears. I sat on the couch, sobbing for several minutes trying to pull myself together. This was a scenario that was to occur frequently over the next two weeks.

Memories and feelings still ran deep even though my house no longer felt like a home. At one point it felt cold, but now it felt tortured. It's heart hadn't disappeared, it was just broken, torn, shattered, severed. My heart. Dreams and potential had now faded into wistful memories that would now forever go unfulfilled and I cried for them and for me.

I began to sort through my possessions and to put them into boxes for moving or discarding. It is amazing how much can be gathered over the course of a decade. So many things had strong emotions attached that made my heart fall when I laid eyes upon them again and I would find myself back on that couch, sobbing for several minutes. It was a long process and progress was slow during that first week. 

As days wore on, sobbing became less frequent and more progress was made. With deadlines looming, sorting has given way to purely shifting with promises of discarding unnecessary items postponed to a later time. Even though I have been packing for a long time now, there is still some way to go yet and I'm sure plenty of tears will still be shed.