End of the Line

Hey Everyone!

For several reasons, I've decided that I'm not going to continue posting on this blog any more and I thought I would put up a post for some "closure" instead of leaving the blog hanging with anyone stumbling across it wondering if I will ever update it again. It is a slightly sad decision because I did enjoy writing and it was a helpful outlet. I'm not sure if my writing actually helped anyone in any way and I'm not sure about how many people really read my ramblings either. However, if anyone would like to ask any questions or contact me, you can do so via the email link on the "About Me" page to the right. Don't ask me why I'm closing the blog though, because I won't answer that question.

On a positive side, I'd like to thank everyone who has enjoyed reading my posts. If it made you laugh, smile in appreciation or even nod sagely with some insight, then it has had some worth opposed to just random bytes on a hard drive somewhere in the ether. I actually made it to 100 posts too! Yay! This will make it 101, which kind of reminds me of the first year university subjects. Filly 101, I'm just a beginner.. :) We are, after all, always learning and I believe that anybody who thinks that they know all the answers is being rather arrogant if not somewhat foolish.

I wish everyone the best and hope you all achieve your potential but never forget to savour the journey. For some reason, the song the Byrds just popped into my head. It's based on Ecclesiastes chapter 3 and is called "Turn, Turn, Turn" and I will leave you with the sentiment which I believe is quite apt and helpful to hold onto. 

"There is a time for everything.... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"

Filly's Frolic #25

I had dutifully changed the name on my car registration shortly after my legal name change but it was only recently that I realised that I had forgotten to change the name on my insurance. A rather crabby sounding lady answered my call to the insurance company but fortunately she transferred me to a rather nicer sounding lady after I told her what I needed to do. To be honest, I'd probably be rather crabby if my job was just to redirect phone calls to the right call centre. Some people criticise the recorded transferring system but, in my opinion, as long as there aren't too many options and too many levels of having to "press 1 for..", it actually works quite well and is much better than being greeted by a crabby lady on the phone. But I digress..

I informed the nice lady that I had to change the name on my insurance. She asked for the full details of the current holder before asking, "So, are you transferring it from his name into your name?"

I paused.

I hadn't expected that question and my mind went blank as I realised what she was assuming and I tried to figure out how to best answer it. 

"Um..", I stammered. "No no, it's still me. I've just had a change." 

That may not have been the best way to answer her question, but it was the only thing that came out of my mouth as my brain floundered, still trying to get back on it's feet. 

"Oh! Ok!", she replied sounding a little surprised. It didn't really fluster her however and my change of name was completed shortly after. After we hung up, I laughed a little as I thought about the fact that other people didn't always know my history and my voice on the phone doesn't appear to betray it either. Listening to recordings of my voice doesn't inspire me with confidence but I guess not many people do like listening to recordings of their own voice. It's not as if I have beautiful vocal qualities that would land me a gig as a singer in a band, but I guess it gets by. In the meantime, I'll just have to subject those around to my awful singing whenever a song comes on that I like and I'll just imagine that I do have a wonderfully musical voice.... imagine, just like half of the other people out there...

Rejection still hurts

I had plans to write some positive blogs, especially for the first one of the new year. However, I've come to realise that plans, just like good intentions, don't always come into being. Today's event has left me shaken even though it wasn't a total surprise.

It's been almost two years since I've seen my best friend from high school. When we last met, it was over twenty years of friendship that spanned many life changing events. If any of my friendships were to survive my transition, I would have thought that this would have been it. Sadly, this friendship was officially put to rest this morning. 

As many of you may know, the last two years of my life have been tumultuous. Through those ups and downs I had offered several invitations to my friend but there were always reasons why they couldn't be accepted. I'm not one to read too deeply into things because sometimes people are busy, sometimes people actually do have valid reasons why they can't accept your invitation and sometimes it is just unfortunate that your events and theirs continue to clash several times in a row. It is too easy to come to false conclusions (and I have had many false claims levelled against me) and I am not about to make allegations against a friend without knowing the facts. Today, however, I received the facts from him. It is too hard for him to move on and as our lives have moved in different directions our friendship has come to an end. 

I have mentioned, in previous posts, my thought processes regarding my transition and whether or not I should have told my friends or just left. Telling them is, I still believe, the right thing to do since I have acted with honesty and integrity. Whatever actions they all take is a testament to their character and not a weakness of mine. However, for all those in transition, be warned, it is a painful process and the pain continues far after all the physical aspects of transition are "complete".

What continues to astound me, is how people expect to resolve problems by staying away. As an ex-male I know that retreating into the man cave is a way of coping but it never actually resolves anything. With all relationships, contact (be it physical, verbal or virtual) is important. Distancing yourself from someone cannot somehow magically remove an issue so that your relationship will somehow become better again. An extended amount of time spent apart will only serve to spread the relationship further apart. 

So, chalk up another scar and call it experience. I sometimes wish I didn't have to experience so much and I wonder how much I can take before I am totally enveloped in scar tissue and there is no heart left.