"It's not a choice." It's an oft heard idea that is almost a mantra of transsexuals. "Nobody would choose to go through all this pain, lose all their friends and family, incur the huge financial expense whilst risking their job if they had a choice". I agree completely with the sentiment and indeed feel the same way. There is, however, something that irks me about that thought and makes it seem debilitating and enslaving.
I believe in constant self improvement. I'm not a perfect person and I never will be but I refuse to accept that I can't rise out of the mediocrity that defined me last week, last month or last year. I, therefore, have an interest in subjects relating to self improvement. My favourite book is 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey and I even did the one week workshop related to that book. I like this book because of it's ideology. It's all about changing yourself for benevolent means. It's not about techniques for manipulating others or about how to make more money or about airy fairy positive thinking so that good things will happen to you.
"They cannot take away our self respect if we don't give it to them" - Mahatma Gandhi
In the chapter covering the first habit (Be Proactive), Covey proposes that we always have a choice in what we do. He gives the example of a student who asks to be excused from class so that he can go on a tennis trip lest he be dropped from the team. Covey enlightens the student who realises that the choice is between being dropped from the team or missing out on learning what is being taught in class that day. The student still makes the same choice but now realises that it is a choice they made and that there are consequences associated with the choices they made.
Realising that I have a choice in how I act is very empowering to me. I'm not to be pushed around about by the circumstances of my life. Instead, I see the choices before me and it is by my choice that I am doing what I am doing. In the case of my transition, I have a choice. I could choose not to transition and continue trying to keep everything a secret. I might keep all my friends and family and it might be easier for me job wise but I might find life itself to be a difficult proposition. On the other hand, I chose to transition so that I could be true to myself and relieve myself of this burden that has been troubling me. There is now a light at the end of my tunnel, yet I have to live with the consequences of my actions.
Sure, I don't like the consequences and I would definitely prefer everything to be a bed of roses but that's not the life I was offered. But I stood up and chose life (and pain) instead of choosing death or a tortured life that wouldn't have been life at all. I chose to be true to myself instead of living a lie. I choose to to express and be myself instead of hiding behind a social taboo. I acknowledge that I made the choice and that makes me feel empowered and liberated.
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