Bad Dreams: Waiter worries...

Agitated, I roused from my dream. It was only a dream, I kept telling myself, but that didn't help and sleep evaded me for the rest of night as I tossed and turned in my bed. 

"I'm going to have to move you to another table", said the waiter as we were halfway through our meals. 

"Oh? Why?", I asked with an eyebrow raised. I'm usually quite flexible and understanding with these sorts of things as long as there is a valid reason for the inconvenience.

"We've been asking the other customers how they feel about what has happened and some of them aren't happy", replied the waiter. About what has happened? It didn't seem to me like it was a really big deal. My friend, who was she in my dream? My girlfriend? Just a friend? My wife? My ex-wife? She was a blur but the relationship troubled me now that I was awake. My friend and I had wandered into this restaurant in search of dinner. I didn't know what the restaurant was called or where it was, but I knew it was rather posh and reservations were usually required to get a table. Of course, we didn't have one. It took some time for anyone to discover that though since the restaurant had a rather strange layout.

We had wandered in through the front entrance and we were greeted with roomful of occupied tables with not a waiter in sight. There was no lectern at the entrance, no sign and no maître d' to ask us if we had a booking and to show us to a table. We wondered past a few tables looking for someone to help us, scratching our heads and wondering where all the staff were. As we walked further inside seeking assistance, I could feel some of the customers looking at us wondering who these boorish people were.

Finally, we caught the attention of a waiter in the next room who was a little flustered when he found out we didn't have a reservation. He left us for a moment and then came back to tell us that he had found a table for us and led us into the next room. We followed him past the double doors and were startled by the impressive sight. Whilst the previous room was upper class, but plain, this was a ball room for aristocracy. Statues, paintings and antiques adorned the velvet curtained walls and marble pillars. Silverware glittered on the tables that were paired with gilded chairs. We were shown to our table and sat, marvelling at the sight.

Everything was proceeding delightfully until the waiter came to make this strange request.

"Where are you moving us to?", I asked.

"We may move you by that window", replied the waiter aloofly. "There is some glare coming through that window and we shall be using you to stop it."

My jaw dropped at the rudeness and I stared back dumbfounded for a minute or two as a smug smile crossed the waiter's lips. Were the other customers upset that we were sitting at this gorgeous table without a booking? Perhaps they were annoyed that people of our stature in society had been afforded such undeserving luxury.

"What exactly is the problem?", I managed to ask after a few moments.

"Some of our customers are upset that when these two ladies walked in, one of them was actually a man", replied the waiter bluntly.

I might have been dumbfounded before, but this time I was totally taken aback with shock.

"Excuse me?", I asked trembling.

"You heard me. The she is a he. You're a dude!" A sneer crossed the waiter's lips as he hissed that last word. I was shocked, hurt, embarrassed and angry. I didn't know how to respond, how to handle the situation. 

"What do you want from me?", I asked standing up and approaching the waiter. "Do you want me to drop my pants to prove to you that I'm not?"

"I'd like to see that", he replied with a sleazy smile mixed with contempt. I grabbed his sleeve and tugged him towards me.

"Come on then."

"You want to come and have a look too?" he laughed as he asked a fellow waiter.

"You know what?", I asked, turning around, after we were halfway to the toilets. "Screw this. I think I'm just going to sue you." 

A hushed silence fell over the room. Everyone had seen what had happened and I was sure I'd have a case. Judging by the reaction of the room, I wasn't the only one who thought that. 

I woke up agitated. Why had I dreamt that?? An uneasiness settled over me that prevented me from going back to sleep. I'd only had a few hours sleep. Today was going to be a long, rough day.

They're baaaccck....

I had the strangest dream last night, or was it a nightmare? We were at some sort of school camp or excursion which, in hindsight, is never a good setting for a dream because anything that involves school always turns into a nightmare for me. I was relieving myself in the toilet that was, for some reason, directly connected to the main recreational room and the door was wide open. How I ended up in this position I do not know, but it certainly felt very weird now and the door was too far away for me to reach and close. Luckily, nobody seemed to be paying any attention and I could see and hear them merrily chatting and laughing in their own conversations.

After finishing my business, I began to clean myself up. Something felt odd. I stood up slightly and looked down and froze momentarily with shock. 

What the hell is that doing there?!?!?!

I sat back down quickly, hoping that nobody else had notice the male genitalia between my legs. That was supposed to be gone! I was sure the doctor had removed it. They don't grow back do they? Waves of confusion and troughs of anxious, depressed embarrassment crashed through my head. 

I quickly finished cleaning myself and tucking that thing between my legs, I swiftly pulled my pants up hoping that nobody would see anything. After washing my hands, I ran to my bed and dived underneath the covers. God! I had prayed so much in the past to turn me into a girl and you're turning me back into a boy?? Why?!

I cried in anguish, eventually falling to sleep.

I stirred and struggled to raise my weary head. Thank god it was just a dream.... 

Thailand Inception

I'm going to have to start carrying a totem, these multi-level dreams are killing me. (Oh, and btw, Inception is a brilliant movie and if you think the ending was predictable then, chances are, you actually don't really understand the ending.) 


Slightly anxious, I was waiting at the airport for my wife. An old Thai lady was selling some trinkets at the entrance to a lounge where I was standing and I was trying my best to tell her that I wasn't interested whilst not taking out my frustrations on her. Had I really been that insensitive to my wife? She had been involved in a minor accident because she had been overworking at the office as usual and had fallen asleep on the way home. I always feared that that would happen one day and even though I know the non-financial costs of running a small business that is still in relatively infancy, she was more important to me than the success of her business. That sounded so unsupportive in hindsight, but it was true. Maybe I just hadn't phrased myself well and that was the last straw. I know that everything I had put her through was hard for her and I was glad and appreciative of her support. So, maybe this was the last straw and the resulting stupid, futile argument had broken her. My heart sank and I knew she wasn't coming on the flight with me and had withdrawn to somewhere else in the airport.

"I have to go find my wife", I tried explaining to the Thai lady. "I think she's in trouble, can you please look after my bags?" I gestured and pleaded in several different ways and in the ways of old Asian ladies, she waved her hands to calm down as if everything was going to be ok. She presented what looked like an asian pin cushion with an orange ball lined with red longitudinal like threads. Pressing it into my hands, she motioned me to go. 


What the heck did I need a pincushion for?! As I ran in search of my wife, I began thinking the lady must have been a bit senile as I squeezed the cushion. An extended loud whistling sound came from the cushion, startling me. I squeezed it harder and faster and the whistle was louder and longer. This is what the old lady meant? Ok, so I wasn't lost at sea but perhaps such an odd noise would attract the attention of my wife as I began calling her name. Squeezing the cushion from the sides, there was no whistle as I expected but, instead, the top of the cushion shone brightly. It's a lantern as well? Wow, this is a pretty cool gadget. I admonished myself for thinking the lady was senile and made a mental note to thank her profusely when I got back.


I searched the airport thoroughly, making sure I went through every entrance and exit, even if they did lead to the same place, moving from area to area, inside to outside. At one point, I passed a couple of ladies talking by a few step like seats. On the bottom step was a soft toy, maybe 40cm high, that was some sort of strange cross between a panda and a kangaroo. It actually didn't look anything like either, but I knew that was just what it was. Whatever it was, it was cute and cuddly. 
"Is this yours?", I asked the ladies. They looked at me annoyed as if I was at an international meeting of world leaders about to actually agree on world peace and I had interrupted and asked to go to the toilet. Shaking their heads, partly in a negative response and partly in condescension, they turned back to their conversation. I mumbled a thank you which they ignored.


This toy was so cute and I hugged it a bit longer, but it wasn't mine and I had to keep looking for my wife so I put it back down and resumed my search. Through corridors and lounges, lobbies and atriums, I ran looking, calling her name and squeezing the little, loud whistle. My path re-intersected with the seats where that soft toy was and I took it as a sign. Another lady was now sitting on the steps behind the toy. I reached for it, intent on taking it whether it belonged to me or not. I just had to have it.
"What do you think you're doing?", asked the lady in a stern yet friendly manner. "That's mine". I looked up to see her admonishing yet smiling face and then looked back down to see her dog retreating between her legs. Smiling, I patted the dog which it seemed to enjoy and apologised to the lady. 
"Sorry, I was looking for something else", I said ashamedly, looking around. My eyes lit up as I saw the toy sitting on the bench next to the steps. I stood up and went over and cuddled it in my arms.
"That's cute", replied the lady smiling.
"Thanks", I replied as I once again ran off to resume my search, but this time with a new companion.


That's about when I realised I was dreaming. Suddenly, I was running through the airport with a couple of bags in hand and my teddy bear, Ching, had somehow appeared. He must have thought the panda/kangaroo cross was interesting and had decided to accompany me. Obviously, I had been shopping and in the bags were odd items to be buying at at airport. Towels? Porcelain plates? T-shirts? Ok, that last one might be understandable but the time skip combined with the silliness of the items had triggered my dream alert sensor. Having said that, I can see that one day I will be eating my words when I buy towels at an airport.


Rushing though the building crowds and fancy vip lounges, I wondered if my wife had managed to get inside one of the rooms that I was not allowed access to. Not that there was any privacy since it seemed they wanted everyone to see the modern technology and luxuriousness that they might be missing out on. Up ahead, I saw my brother in law and a couple of friends.
"I think we know where she is", he yelled out to me. He checked his watch and calculated how long it would be before check-in closed and how long it would take us to get back there. 
"It's ok", interjected one my friends, reading his thoughts. "I think she already checked in."
But I haven't, I thought, I had been waiting for her. I did some mental calculations and realised this would be a race for me to check-in in time. I pushed my way to the crowds and ran up the escalator to try to catch up to my friends that were already crossing a walkway and had almost reached the other side. While doing so, I was glad my brother-in-law was still talking to me and wasn't being awkward any more.


I ran across the long walkway, past the fancy American Express vip lounge with it's modern white colour scheme and the gorgeous blond asking if I would like to come in. It was like a premier unveiling as translucently thin silky curtains began to life showing the insides of the lounge.
"I don't have time right now", I panted with a smile as I ran past. She smiled back ever so glowingly and I wondered if I had been entitled to enter or whether that was just a recruiting ploy. Whatever, it was a moot question now. I reached the escalators down and, even though there was space between the thinning crowd to run down, I knew what I had to do. Running towards the escalators, I jumped up and slid down the stainless steel plating that divided the two escalators. I rode it like a hero and a pro. Both James Bond and Tony Hawk would have been impressed. My friends were conversing with what looked a tall English butler and I began running towards them. Something was wrong and I realised that my hands and arms were empty. Spinning around in panic, I saw the bags, and, more importantly, Ching lying on the floor at the bottom of the escalators. I must have dropped them when I landed. Running back, I noticed the wood panelling on the walls in this room gave it a rather different feel to the rest of the airport. 


My bags had fallen over and the contents had spilled out. They had also bumped into a shelf and a few items had fallen off the shelf and were intermingled with my items. I sorted through the items and began repacking my towels, porcelain plates and other miscellaneous items. I considered pretending that a glass and pewter decanter was also one of my items but then I realised it was actually a little ugly and, besides, it was chipped so I placed it back on the shelf where it belonged. In my arms I was now carrying three soft toys, or maybe more, and I thought about rearranging my bags so that this wasn't all so cumbersome.


Reaching the English butler, he pointed me towards a door that my friends had just run through and had just begun to start closing again. I hurried towards it, but reached it a fraction too late hearing it click shut before I could stop it. I looked for a handle or some other mechanism to open it, but to no avail. Suddenly, a wood panel on the adjacent wall in the corner began to open. Was I supposed to go through this one? I looked back at the butler and saw him walking away. He turned his head around and, deducing what had transpired, simply turned his head back and continued walking without breaking a stride. Well, this would be my only way then and I stepped through the secret doorway.


This is where my dream became silly. My bags and soft toys were no longer with me and I was wearing a white, plastic armour suit rather like a Storm Trooper in Star Wars. There were no gloves or helmet but I think the shoes matched. I had found myself in a curved corridor, walls covered in tiles and a concrete floor with a small semi-circular concave gutter to one side. It was your typical movie corridor, be it from a horror flick, the passage in some experimental concentration camp or maybe a group of rugby players were about to run out onto the field of glory. I slowly moved along with trepidation.
"Hello?", I shouted out a few times. "Anyone here?" It's the obvious line just before the victim sees the shadow of murderer ahead. 
"What are you doing in here?", asked a matronly English voice. To the right there was what looked like an old fashioned fridge, but there was a gap separating the fridge and freezer in which I briefly saw a pair of eyes. I saw her move further down behind what resembled a serving counter. It was kind of like a serving counter, if you were 12 foot tall and were being served wafer thin chips on flat paper plates.
"I might have taken a wrong turn", I stammered feeling rather embarrassed. "I think someone may have opened the wrong door for me."
"Oh well", she replied nonchalantly. "I think you there's actually someone waiting for you outside."


I took a few more steps hurriedly down the corridor and saw that the tiles gave way to a full height glass curtain wall. Freshly fallen pure white snow layered the ground outside and covered the bottom 20cm of the glass. Standing outside under snowflakes drifting ever so gently to the earth was my brother-in-law, my friends and, most importantly, my wife. An immaculately dressed driver, complete with gloves and cap was holding the doors open to a vintage black limousine. I ran as fast as I could outside, still wearing this ridiculous storm trooper suit that severely hindered my ability to run. As the cold wind blasted across my face, I didn't notice it too much as I stumbled towards my wife. At least the boots worked at keeping me warm and I wondered why I didn't get the gloves because my hands were freezing. I did my best (or worst) Darth Vader impersonation as I stomped through the snow.
"Don't underestimate the power, of the dark side", I recited, even though I was wearing a white storm trooper outfit and not a black Darth Vader suit. Everyone laughed anyway as my wife and I fell into each others arms and we hugged for an eternity.


I woke up. At least it was a feel good ending to a ridiculous dream. I was lying on the couch, my head resting in my wife's lap and she was looking at the insurance report on her accident with a stressed look on her face. 
"It's ok", I looked up at her reassuringly, "Don't worry about it. Everything will be ok. The important thing is that you're alright."
She smiled and put the paper down and hugged me. My shopping bags were at my feet and I leant over and took Ching out of one and walked him up to my wife. That always made her laugh. I reached down again and took out the panda-roo and walked that up.
"I have no idea what this is", I said. "But I thought it was cute and you might like it."
She smiled and cuddled it.


I woke up. What was that about?! That was a rather strange dream within a dream. I smiled at the thought of the weird dreams I have sometimes. At least everything was all right though; I love my wife and it would have been horrible if I had lost her in that dream. I looked forward to seeing her again. My thoughts paused. My heart sank. I really was awake and had just confused reality for yet another dream. I wasn't going to see her again. Everything was not going to be alright. I sighed, a long, deep, mournful sigh. 

The dream of the moving implant

I drifted off into another mini sleep and began dreaming that I was compressing and massaging my breast implants like I was supposed to. As per the technique I was taught, I used both hands to apply pressure on the breast directly towards the chest. I decided to shift the direction of the pressure slightly and suddenly the implant painfully slipped out of its position and gave me a breast somewhere closer to my abdomen. Panicking, I tried to apply pressure to shift it back up and like a bag of oily jelly, it began to achingly move out of control all over my body to unexpected directions. I chased it down to my butt, up my abdomen, through the centre of my chest and even, at one point, under my rib cage. How I got it out of there, I do not remember. Finally, I managed to coax it back vaguely to it's proper position and decided to lie and wait for the nurses in absolute grief and agony.


Fortunately I woke up at that point, my heart pounding again in absolute fear. My breasts were still aching from the implants and a quick check confirmed they were in their correct location, I think. Glancing at my phone, I noticed that this extensive ordeal had occurred whilst I had been asleep for less than five minutes. 


I hate these dreams.

School Dreams

I have them all too often. Dreams where I'm back at school or back at university and these dreams are invariably a nightmare. When I was really at school, I was a conscientious student who always had assignments completed and who didn't really need to study much for the exam because everything had already sunk in when I had methodically done my homework. Ok, so I was a nerd. 

In my dreams however, I'm almost a wannabe nerd. I'll forget what class I'm supposed to be at next or where they actually are. I'll be sitting an exam and looking at questions which resemble nothing I've ever seen before in my life. If I was to analyse my dreams, I would say that they represent my fear of failure or perhaps even represent an inner belief that perhaps I am a failure. 

Last night, however, my dream was different. I was again back at school but I was me as I am now. I was post-op trans-girl going to school. As my dreams usually began, it was all very mundane. School was never something exciting for me and I trudged though each day one at a time and this was reflected in my dream.

Suddenly, the dream took a darker turn and I was being molested. In hindsight, it was an odd situation because I went to an all boys school as a child and I think in my dream I may have been at a single sex school also.. for boys. One of the students had wrapped his arms around me from behind, pinning my arms to my sides as I screamed and struggled to free myself to no avail. Other students began prodding at my vagina and squeezing my clitoris ever harder as I cried for them to stop. 

I woke up in a panic, my heart still pounding and a very real pain in my clitoris.

My Dream

Three days after surgery,I lie on my back, deep rhythmic throbbing of bruising in my chest and slight pains of discomfort from my groin. Tubes runfrom various points in my body carrying deep red blood to drainage bottles while a catheter extends from a pile of bandages around my groin to a bag at the side of my bed. Lifting myself to sit up the slightest amount is an effort and the pain of rolling to one side is not worth any minor perceived increase in comfort. So I try to pass the time, shifting my weight in the little ways possible to gain a slight grasp of some sleep. Any sleep is fleeting, lasting thirty minutes to an hour at the most, even during the long nights when I wait for the next day to arrive. Such short grasps are too short for dreams and reserved for mere sensations. My muscles twitch in defense to some unknown fear or I wake myself as I jump to the sensation of falling into a deep abyss.

Today was different.

I was standing outside a shanty looking house in a rough part of town. But the outside camouflaged the luxurious interior of my home with brightly painted white walls and polished steel framed leather designer furniture. It had such a modern feel which perfectly suited my wife who was standing behind a shelf housing a sculpture that I had given to her. We held each other and we kissed and for a brief moment we were still married and I was happy. Just like my sleep, the moment was fleeting.

She left the room and went outside and though I tried to follow, she was gone. Standing in my way was a group of ruffians intending to do me harm. I tried to defend myself and I awoke to my legs kicking wildly at the air and blanket in my bed.

So, now I lay on my back, trying to hold the tears from streaming down my face. I don't know what she is doing or if she is happy or well. I don't know if she knows where I am. All I know is that I still have a love for her and though I tried to follow her, I couldn't.