In Consideration of Irony

"In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends." 
- John Churton Collins

I'll be the first to admit that I am a chicken. I hate confrontation and I tend to take the path of least resistance despite any virtuous desire to do otherwise. It is no surprise then that when I was planning my transition, my mind began to wonder how I would handle telling everyone what was happening. As a chicken, my thoughts were that it would be easiest not to tell them and simply run away. Just thinking about telling everyone tied my stomach in knots as my heart thumped and fell down a never ending well. 


So, I began preparations for running away. I knew that it would cause a lot of grief and pain for my family and friends but I somehow felt that it would be better than grief, confusion, derision and rejection that I assumed would be brought on my them finding out the truth about me. I reasoned that they would at least remember me in a positive light as the person they always knew rather than in some sort of tarnished shadow. That I would have to travel my path alone and in a new city seemed to be a small priced to pay for the consideration of my friends. It wasn't too long before I reached the point where everything was ready and I had to decide whether to go or to stay. At that point, I realised that I was being rather disrespectful as I was assuming the worst and was not giving my friends the chance to make their own decisions. Hence, I decided to stay and my stomach double knotted itself as my heart thumped it's way off the planet.


Worst case was that I would be right and they would all leave. I prepared myself for that scenario as I began to make the rounds. As I have written in previous articles, I was astounded by the level of support and acceptance that I was offered. I was touched that nobody left and, as I told of my fears and my plans, everyone expressed their happiness that I had not left them and they would not leave me. This truly was a joyful time in my transition. 


It seems that all good things must come to an end. My joy was short lived as friends began to run away from me. Promises broken and meaningless smiles and show of support took over as friendships were pledged by no time given to fulfil them. Despite repeated attempts, contact dwindled until I was left with nobody. It has now been six months since I have seen any of them in person (in a positive friendly capacity) and more than a year and a half since I last saw some. Ironically, I was right although it took time for that to show but at least I respected them enough to allow them to make their own decision instead of foisting an assumed decision upon them. However, I sometimes still can't help but think that things would have been better had I taken the "easy way out". 


Unfortunately, going through events like these can't leave us unscathed. I had known some of these friends for a decade or even two and it had taken this long and a major event for friendships to really be tested and revealed. Despite my need for friendship and a kindred spirit to share my life with, I'm not sure that I can really extend myself to trust as much as I used to. Once bitten, twice shy as the saying goes and so, whilst I still remain courteous and friendly, I find myself doubting the "realness" of any future friendships. Unfortunately, that may become a self-fulfilling prophecy since friendships take effort to nurture and maintain and I wonder if I would have felt differently had I run away. Ignorance is bliss as another saying goes and if I were ignorant of the real state of my friendships, I might be all the more blissful for it.