Death of a ladybug

This little wooden lady bug used to look quite sprightly with its white body, a bright red nose, cute grin and lovely wooden polka dot wings. Around it's neck was a spinner with red with white polka dot plastic fans that was cause it buzz in the wind with joy. It sat happily in my front garden bed but now it's happiest days have long gone. I haven't been in my front garden for a long time but it caught my attention when I went out this morning and it brought a tear to my eye.


Okay.. that's an understatement. It made me cry... and I still am.


One of the biggest challenges faced by ts people is trying to deal or cope with loss. That may be the loss of friends, the loss of jobs or the loss of our home. But those things embody the arguably more important abstract things like loss of hopes and dreams, loss of drive and inspiration and loss of relationships. The harsh thing is that we are not the only ones affected, but all those for whom we are more than just an anecdote, are also affected. For me, knowing that I caused the same pain that I am feeling to somebody else is like another sword through my soul. 


So I wasn't weeping for the ladybug even though I can be anthropomorphist. Rather it was the association of the relationship with the person who bought it. We had shared experiences in the past and we had dreams, hopes and plans for the future. There were things we thought we had but, although one should not count their chickens before they are hatched, I was in denial about the big transsexual chicken that was about to step on all the eggs. So now our hopes, plans and dreams are lying broken in the dirt, much like the ladybug. And that makes me cry.

Filly's Frolic #7

A friend told me that I would learn to recognise the different types of looks that I'd receive during my daily activities. One would be the look of a guy wanting to get in my pants, another would be a look of someone who's clocked me (I've learned these two looks are not mutually exclusive!) and the third look is the look of someone who's trying to figure it out.

For the moment, we'll ignore the look for awful fashion sense or my, what a wonderful cloak you are wearing... We'll also ignore the look of jealous disgust that girls give me when I cinch myself into a corset and wander around with perfect 38-28-38 proportions. It's a shame that the first 38 is mainly all rib cage and hardly any breast... Oh well, can't win them all!

So it was with some amusement that I encountered that third look recently. I had accompanied my aunty to dinner and we had decided to walk to the restaurant that was close by. What we were thinking, walking to a restaurant on the night of the coldest day in years, I do not know. However, my scrumptious dinner of sliced beef in udon noodle soup had warmed me thoroughly and I was totally satiated. My aunty was still feeling the cold since she was sill a little weak since being discharged from the hospital a month or so ago. I was holding her hand and giving her support as we slowly made our way home, cursing at the wind.

As we approached the intersection, I noticed a young man coming the other way. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him glance at me and then the double take! Instinctively I looked at him and he had his head cocked and a quizzical look on his face. I'm not really sure what was so odd about a girl helping her aunt walk home... and no, I was not wearing my cloak! It seemed to me like he was trying to figure me out...

I smiled slightly before looking away as we continued our journey home in the cold wind. My only thought and reaction was "I'll have to tell everyone about this". I guess I'm learning to deal with it.. 

Filly's Frolic #6

I tend to avoid those people in shopping centres that have the little kiosks in the middle of the mall and try to attract your attention and then do the hard sell on you once they've got you standing there.. Sometimes it's a charity thing and sometimes it's for something like overpriced skin care products that make me temporarily stupid and terribly susceptible to their sales tactics. Hence, I generally try to avoid them while staying polite with a smile and a "No, thank you" as a I continue walking speedily like a rabbit running past a fox.

Recently, I was walking frolicking in the shopping centre again when a lady in a kiosk caught my attention, holding up a packet of something. I was just about to turn tail and dash off when I realised she was asking if I would like a free sample. Free sample? Free??? FREE?! How could I resist?

I slowly made my way to her kiosk like a fish to a shiny lure. "Hello Miss", she said. "Have a free sample of one of our products." I smiled, no, I beamed... she had called me miss! I felt the happiness swelling up inside me.

I looked down at the sachet in her hand to see what wonderful product I would be able to try and suddenly the bubble of happiness popped, leaving a sinking hole... It was facial after shave cream!!!! Had she clocked me and was trying to be respectful and helpful??? Were the remnants of my my facial hair that obvious and poking through my makeup?? Thoughts flew through my head like a whirlwind, wreaking havoc in my brain.

I stood there stunned looking at the sachet for what seemed like eternity but must really only have been a second. The lady looked down at what she was holding and said somewhat surprised and apologetic "Oops! That one wouldn't be for you!" She sifted through her sachets and offered me a packet of hand cream 'enriched with deep sea minerals'. "There you are miss.", she said. The whirlwind in my mind abated and the happiness returned.

Another fuss over nothing and I merrily continued my frolic through the shopping centre.. 

Filly's Frolic #5

With the colder weather showering upon us and drenching us with clear liquid goodness, what's a girl do to dress herself warmly in this chillingly beautiful season?

I remember reading (but can't remember where) that the art to successful passing is to blend in. If you blend in, then people will pay less attention to you and therefore less attention to whatever it is that might give you away (be it your walk, facial features, whatever). I guess the same applies to clothes since if you dress like a drag queen you'll probably be thought of as a drag queen rather than a flamboyant female...

So, in the top ten lists of wardrobe items for every girl would be a nice warm coat. Maybe a pea jacket or even a classic trench. Ok, I have a black trench, although it's not quite classic and is actually quite an eye catcher if I may say so myself... With my arms shivering so hard that I could whip cream without trying, I needed another coat. What sensible, non attention seeking, blending-in coat can I get?

I thought about it for days then found the warmth providing garment of my dreams. With a swift mouse click, I ordered it. Then swiftly clicked again since my shivering arms had caused me to miss the first time.. Then began the long wait with the laptop fan my sole provider of warmth.

Finally, my package arrived and I opened it with glee. My frozen fingers snapping like icicles, but I cared not! I held it up, the most sensible garment ever.. A warm, fleecy black and brown cloak with an ornate brass clasp! Wearing this, I would blend in seamlessly.... if I lived in Rivendell or Rohan or was planning to start my own coven.

I pranced around the room gleefully, checking myself out in the mirror and twirling and posing to view try and view myself from every angle. Lunchtime was almost upon us and I dashed to the car wearing my new cloak. I jumped in the drivers seat and strapped on the seatbelt. My attempt to hold the steering wheel was strangely difficult. I panicked. Was my new cloak cursed? Was it in reality a cloak of restraint -2? I suddenly realised why coats have sleeves..

A few moments of tugging and struggling and my arms were free enough for me to begin driving. I arrived at Doncaster Shoppingtown and made my way down the escalator. I noticed and felt the stares of several people. What are they looking at I wondered? Is my hair out of place today? Did I put my makeup on wrong?

As I made my way to the foodcourt, I could feel several other people looking a me, but I kept smiling and walked on. My parents were waiting ahead and they had a surprised expression on their face. What? Them too? Like they don't know I'm a t-girl already.. hrmph... The rest of lunch was much the same and after I made it back home I decided it must have been an off day. Imagine how much worse it could have been if I didn't have my wonderful cloak... :-) 

Filly's Frolic #4

Today's frolic occurred at home as I was sitting quietly waiting for my nails to dry. It was late at night, all was dark and quiet and I was sitting on the couch watching a show on my computer. Suddenly, there was a sound at the window. My body tensed for a moment at the sound then logic came to my rescue as I realised it was only a breeze catching the branches of the tree by my window, causing it to drag its wiry arms across the glass. Instinctively, I swiftly turned my head to the right to check that there was nothing there anyway. Abruptly, I froze. "What was that?" I thought to myself. I swiftly turned my head to the left. There it was, the realisation hit me like a slap in the face. Like a slap in the face? It was a slap in the face!

My hair! It was long enough to hit me in the face! I giggled like a schoolgirl as I did it again a few more times. Eighteen months and two trims since my last short cut and I'm happy with the way my hair is growing. I love these little moments that dot the landscape as I frolic along my transition.