Curled up in bed, tears streamed from my face once again. Emptiness dug its way through the core of my body no matter how tightly I clenched my fists or curled into a ball. I knew it was senseless that I should be feeling so horrendously dejected after such a wonderful afternoon and night. Depression, as a major illness, doesn't care for logic and attempts to make you feel your worst just when you might think that you are feeling your best. Forgetting your medication doesn't help either.
Waking up this morning, I soon realised that I had run out of anti-depressants. Panic and anxiety struck as usual but I managed to restrain them when I confirmed that the pharmacy was indeed open today. I was still in quandary, however, since it was a Sunday and I so wanted to relax with a bath. After a short debate with myself, I decided I would throw on whatever was at hand, without too much thought, and buy my medication first and then relax with a nice long bath when I came back home. Everything went according to place except that I was so excited to relax in a bath and promptly forgot to take my medication.
Curled up and weeping in bed, I suddenly remembered what I had forgotten. In five hours I need to wake up again and I shall be having another dose. I wonder if five hours is long enough between doses even though I already know that it is too late. It is too short a time between doses and yet too long a time to claw at my chest and tug at my hair in a futile effort to fight off the growing pain inside. All the emotional traumas are exacerbated by the need for me to stop taking hormones from today in preparation for my upcoming surgery.
It's not the first time I had forgotten and I knew what it would be like if I didn't have the medication, hence the panic and anxiety earlier in the day. A smart person would learn their lesson and remember to take their medication. A smart person would not water their mattress with their tears, nausea churning from their stomach and curled underneath the blankets trying to hide from the world. I'm not a smart person.
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