Thailand Day T-2

My dad and I sat on the small table in front of the modest fire that was trying it's best to keep us warm. Mum was away in Singapore and, being mother's day, I had decided to have lunch with dad to keep him company. That's when I lied to him. Indirectly, I had also lied to mum - on mother's day. In two days I would be on board a plane flying to Thailand to have the most important operation of my life and I had lied to them about it. I would love to have my parents there with me if I knew that they would be able to support me in the way I needed, but the last time I was in hospital five months ago Mum had been somewhat overbearing and controlling. I know she acted out of love, but it was still stressful for me and not something I wanted or needed. She had wanted to come with me to Thailand and I wanted her to come but I didn't want the baggage she was going to bring and she wasn't going to take no for an answer. So, I lied.


Now, I feel awful. This isn't who I want to be, a liar, and this isn't how I wanted to begin anew. As I sat in the passenger seat on the way home from dinner, I felt the guilt and the dirtiness well up inside me until I could do nothing but weep. I still feel the stigma linger.


Combine that with the fears I have, the mistrust of my judgement, my feelings and my experiences, a total lack of faith in myself and it's no wonder I'm an emotional wreck. This may be a generalisation, but guys are horrible for emotional support. I shudder at the memories of how awful I was and how much pain I caused and I wonder if I'm still just as bad and still have a lot to learn. Rooted in their faith of logic and dissection of the facts, my need for irrational comfort and placation of my emotions went unfulfilled. It's ironic that at times like these, I finally understood exactly how my ex felt.


To say that I'm anxious at this point in time is an understatement. I can feel my anxiety levels rising to levels I haven't felt since the darkest points in my depression. My ex used to comfort me and keep my insanity at bay. I miss her greatly for that and for much more.